goals for 2009 and other rambings

I am determined to make this my year. the past few years i have been through a lot. i have been side tracked every time i finally think i can pull things together. the first big blow was losing our daughter paikea. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't miss her. it scares me to think that one day i wont remember what she looks like. even now i have to strain to picture her. but i know that i will never forget her memory. i will never forget the strength she gave me. the biggest setback from that was hospital bill. my insurance decided not to cover her hospital stay and left me with a nice $50,000 bill. After paikea passed on we got pregnant with hunter right away, not even 6 weeks later i believe. she has been the light of my life, my motivation , my inspiration. she is all that i aspire to be: carefree, uninhibited, wild. as much as i have enjoyed spending every waking hour with her i feel its time to give myself something. more than anything i want to go back to school. going to fashion school has been a dream of mine since i was a little girl. I've always made my own clothes, sketched designs and altered ever bit of clothing i had. i was never able to wear anything as is. here is my list of what i have to do this year to accomplish my goals. one by one i will check them off. i know it isn't going to be easy. being low (by low i mean no) income has its disadvantages. it seems every time i have the money to get something checked off my list a bill pops up. but this year, I'm willing to let a bill be late to benefit my goals. so here goes!

1- get my birth certificate $30.00: i was born overseas, my hospital doesn't exist and my parents never registered me with the embassy. sheesh! and to top it off recently i was robbed and my ID and birth certificate was stolen. too bad they didn't steal from the right person because when they tried to get a credit card in my name they were denied because i am in debt woohoo!

2- get my ID ,SS card and tribal card $60.00: this should be easy once i get my birth certificate and having a tribal card will really help me out with being able to afford to go to college. well at least its good for something.

3- get my GED and ace it $100.00: i need the above to do this. i switched high schools 9 times because my father was in the military and my parents were in a custody battle over me. some credits didn't transfer, i skipped school a lot, moving was hard as a teenager. I ended up leaving in what was supposed to be 11th grade i ran away from home and went to California, began squatting and traveling. on the upside i think it really helped my self esteem. i really discovered my self those few years. i wish i had a whole different situation in high school but whats done is done. no need to dwell. I'm just going to be strong and carry on.

4-apply for art institute of Portland: apparel design $150: i honestly can not wait. i don't want to go another year of just getting by. i want to do something with my passion if it means sewing in a small boutique living month to month so be it. i would rather be poor and happy than poor or rich and regretful although it would be nice to not have to worry about rent for once.

5- go to art institute of Portland as a fashion apparel student $45,000: I'm hoping i can get scholarships and student loans. either way I'm doing this even if it means working the graveyard shift at some greasy bar to pay it off.

wish me luck! and if you would like to donate to the cause and help a poor mama out click here